Recently in Humor Category
The Minnesota IndependentWhat's the big fuss? It's obvious she is simply looking to keep her career options open after politics. I am sure she will make a nice household primate pet to some deserving family. Are baboons good household pets?
The Humane Society, the largest animal welfare organization in the world, slammed Rep. Michele Bachmann for her vote last week against a bill outlawing the sale of apes, monkeys and other non-human primates in the exotic pet trade. The group took Bachmann to task for the primate vote as well as votes to allow trophy hunting of endangered polar bears and to allow the slaughter of wild horses for human consumption. The Captive Primate Safety Act, H.R. 2964, prohibits the sale of apes, monkeys and other primates as pets.
New York Times
George Carlin, the Grammy-Award winning standup comedian and actor who was hailed for his irreverent social commentary, poignant observations of the absurdities of everyday life and language, and groundbreaking routines like "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television," died in Santa Monica, Calif., on Sunday, according to his publicist, Jeff Abraham. He was 71.
There is so much I want to say, and so little words with which to say them. George Carlin was more than simply a comedian for me. His struggle to overcome addiction, and his caustic and blunt humor was a balm during my time of trial and tribulation. The bastard could have stuck around a few more years. We truly lost a great one today.
Not to be out done by PSoTD, here is a video I had posted a link to years ago--before the advent of YouTube--but have since had that link die. So, without further ado: Everybody Else Has Had More Sex Than Me
I am so relieved it's Towel Day.
PotatoesAn old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
DadA few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
FredAt 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
they must need bearsSounds like a memenic shift for Blogstonia to me.
Any internet conversation has reached its useful end when the issue of Mac vs. PC is raised.
By way of Miss Betty Bowers
Now, don't get me wrong. I will go watch a Tom Cruise movie anytime. The problem is, he doesn't know how to act when he is not acting. Okay, so some of you think he can't act when he is acting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go find a powerful black celebrity female and jump on her couch in a fit of exuberance.
Now, don't get me wrong. I will go watch a Tom Cruise movie anytime. The problem is, he doesn't know how to act when he is not acting. Okay, so some of you think he can't act when he is acting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go find a powerful black celebrity female and jump on her couch in a fit of exuberance.
It seems Kenny was born before hair was invented. Kenny is not amused.
Oh, extra points if anyone gets the reference.
Oh, extra points if anyone gets the reference.
The OnionCHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge."
"My fellow Americans, I am sick and tired of not being president," said Clinton, introducing his wife at a "Hillary '08" rally. "For seven agonizing years, I have sat idly by as others experienced the joys of campaigning, debating, and interacting with the people of this great nation, and I simply cannot take it anymore. I have to be president again. I have to."
Damn, I can here the heads of Clinton haters popping all over the place.
INFILTEC.COMI am sure this has been around once or twice. But, damn it, it hit my funny bone. So, what the hell.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being
which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its
sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of
the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden
sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the
chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck
by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the
deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no
more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some
chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right
under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and
thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really
upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he
crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
John Sununu (again): I would argue that the chicken never crossed the
road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road?
Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken
crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that the
chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled
now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
John.
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs
up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the
chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the
chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English!
Thumbs down.
Michael Kinsley: But you both agree it did cross the road, right?
See, John. I'm right as usual.
Oh, and stop me if you have heard this one. Which came first; the chicken or the road?
Something.
The Wired Press: Onion folds? Nobody told me? And it happened back in 2005. I guess nobody told the current Onion staff.
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