I feel empty. I've no energy. I've not the motivation to write my anger out. And I am full of anger. But it does no good. All the writing of angry screeds. All the ranting at the unlawful, unethical, amoral actions of BushCo™. All the bitching about the American Aristocrats and their raping of the American middle class. Not any of it accomplishes a damn bit of good. In the end, I am drained. Lifeless. I have not the desire to do but the bare minimum to survive.Yes, I know, it is petty, judgmental, and cruel. I was in a bad place.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I do my job. But there is no love in it for me anymore. I've been away from my family for too long. Alone, empty, without the life affirming embrace of my loved ones, there is no reason to be happy.
There is no reason for me to put up with the standard mediocrity of many of the employees where I labor. There is no reason for me to accept the inadequacies, and sheer incompetence, that populate the back water institution of my employ.
And it is a backwater institution, let me tell you, full of backwater thinking. Many of them are bush country hicks with visions of grandeur. They all carry the same mentality of "we do things different up here in the Borderland."
Yeah, they sure do. Many live mediocre lives while performing mediocre levels of employment. At least they are at their best 100% of the time.
I despise them. They represent everything that is wrong with America, and with the human race. They reflect everything that I found wrong with me.
That's the biggest part of the problem. I see me as I was years ago. Ignorant, self-centered, intellectually lazy, and emotionally stunted. It's all around me. Echoes of my past failing persona.
Without my family to remind me of what I've accomplished, to support me and uplift me, I fall into my old funk. And I can't take it anymore. I want the fuck away from this place.
However, things are now different. I have a new job. It starts on Monday of next week. I am not willing to give two weeks notice. Back, about a month or so ago, I explained my financial situation to my boss, who is the director of the facility I am now leaving (God, that feels good to type!). His response? "You better do something about that."
Well, having been one month behind on the mortgage, three months behind on the electric bill, three months behind on the cable bill, two months behind on the gas bill, paying out the ass for gas to get back and forth to be with my family, and the extra cost of paying for a motel room, I did just that, I found a new job.
You know, in the end, it's not that corporations are soulless, it's that the people who are in charge of them are merciless, uncaring bastards. A corporation, whether for profit, or a non-profit, is merely a reflection of the personalities and soul of those in charge.
So, anyway, I am resuming my life in Hastings, MN. Farewell, ol' Borderland of the North. May your frigid winters not be seen as a metaphor of your heart.
Actually, many of the people up here were quite delightful and pleasant. Indeed, as a whole, I found International Falls, and Littlefork, to be pleasant, restful, and beautiful.
My problem was with the uncaring, and insensitive manner with which my boss reacted to my financial difficulties. I wasn't expecting him to do anything much more than offer some words of encouragement, or at least a bit of empathy. But to be told coldly (and it was cold and blunt, let me tell you) "Do something about that" was the last straw. So, I figure I own the company as much regard as I received. Which was none at all.